wine on the keyboard

Sometimes I can’t Breathe

by Kay~Kacey on 12/17/2008

There are times that I can’t breathe, especially when I’m feeling nostalgic or the days seem to rush by in a quick sweep of minutes. The enormity of the life I’ve had–the good and the bad. The memories flood my mind like pages of a scrapbook.

boys at disney

I was looking through old photos to scan and put in a digital frame for my mother and this picture brought tears to my eyes. Though a lot of things seem to do that to me this time of year. The boys were so young. The Geeky One, The Photography One, and The Impish One in Disney World oh so many years ago. (They’re probably appalled that their mom dressed them alike…but let me tell you, it was so much easier to spot the boys in a crowd if they were all dressed alike in bright shirts!)

Digressed. Sorry. I think the holidays bring out the nostalgia in me. Memories of Christmases when I was little. Traveling through snow up to Iowa to visit my grandparents. How DID my parents hide the bike they gave me that one year?? Hid it in the station wagon. The station wagon that held all five of us? One of those mysteries of life I guess. The pink stuffed cat I got when I was really, really young…when I wanted a real kitten. Pajamas every year from my grandmother. Almost too excited to go to sleep at night on Christmas Eve.

Then the years when the boys were little. Checking to see if they were asleep before starting to put some impossible toy together. Getting up at the crack of dawn with them. The Legos, ninja turtles, model cars, and board games. (how many continuous rounds of Chutes and Ladders can you play before you are certifiably nuts? :crazy2: ) The year they found all their presents I had hidden in suitcases in the basement. (Hey, I THOUGHT it was a good hiding place!)

Big family dinners. Laughter. Sitting at the dinner table for hours talking.

As the years go by, the holidays change. The family dynamics change. I sometimes pause, the breath whisked right out of my lungs, when I think of all those memories. I’ll tell you one thing though…I’m still kind of too excited to go to sleep on Christmas Eve. :secret:

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Suzanne December 17, 2008 at 8:25 am

Awww, how sweet. And there is so much yet to come!

Amy December 17, 2008 at 8:48 am

This post really moves me, Kacey. I’m flooded with Christmas memories right now, as my older son deploys to Iraq for 12-15 months. I’m determined to hold up for him over the holidays even though I want to cry a lot.

Mental P Mama December 17, 2008 at 9:37 am


Gayle December 17, 2008 at 10:30 am

Awww, Kacey, what a sweet post.

Kate December 17, 2008 at 11:32 am

When I read you couldn’t breathe, I thought one of your beautiful knitted creations turned out too tight.

But then I saw the picture, and read the post, and I totally understand. This is why Christmas brings so many tears sometimes to people, isn’t it? I have been having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit, and coming here actually has helped.

I just wanted you to know that. And this photo is adorable, Kacey.


iPost December 17, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Me too! I LOVE Christmas Eve and Christmas day! :love:

I understand about the nostalgia. I miss my grandparents the most at this time of year. :cry:


TSannie December 17, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Now I’m even MORE verklempt! :roll:

Deb December 17, 2008 at 2:57 pm

Our lives change throughout our lives. I linger over photos at Disney with my two children. Now grown adults. One with a family. The other searching for his love. Now my husband and I are happy about being grandparents. It is the circle of life.

Here’s a poem I really love that might help you…

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life,
For which the first was made.
Our times are in His hand
Who saith, “A whole I planned.
Youth shows but half;
Trust God:
See All,
Nor be afraid!”

Robert Browning.

vodkamom December 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm

me too, sister. Me too.

Sandra December 17, 2008 at 7:58 pm

A charming post. This is a time of year that encourages memories, isn’t it.

Chere December 18, 2008 at 9:07 pm

This blog really hit the spot. This will be the first Christmas that our daughter will not be at home. :sad: I am trying really hard but having a hard time. My house is sort of decorated minus the stockings. Just noticed that they are missing. Things do change some times good and some times bad. Do you know how I can get my husband to have more Christmas cheer? He is such a grump. :mad2:

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